It's been a while since I've been on here, but I thought it was time to update! :)
Nothing really new with our very busy family...football started and we are pumped! Kalib and Ethan get to play tackle football this year and Jax will continue playing flag football since he is still too young for tackle. I love watching them practice and everyday they continue to amaze me. I realize just how lucky I am to have such wonderful and amazing boys.
I wanted to share a journey that Clint and I have been on these last several years. It has been heartbreaking and upsetting to say the least. Clint and I have a great desire to add to our family. We have always known that a large family is something we would love to have. While we have tried a lot of different avenues to make this happen, it simply has not. I finally hit a point last week where it all hit me. I couldn't understand why? What we did wrong? I honestly questioned God. It wasn't intentional, it wasn't in vain, it was out of grief and hurt that I had in my heart for this desire and longing. I had some really amazing friends point out to me how I shouldn't question His plan, but be grateful for the plan He has for me...whatever that may be. I also learned through these friends that this infertility is a grief and I need to deal with my emotions. I have fought them for so long and it's time to let them out. I have tried to protect myself from these feelings by not letting others know just how badly my heart is hurting. How I am literally grieving the loss of a child I may never have. It is a true grief, it is heartbreak in it's raw form. Everyday I am learning so much about this process and my feelings, I am learning how to cope and move forward in my life. I leaned on an old classmate of mine for some advice on a different avenue and her words were so inspiring and really gave me so much to think about. I cannot elaborate on them right now, but hold them very dear to my heart. Thank you Lindsey! I am not sure why I am posting this on my blog, except that maybe this is a type of "therapy" for me...in addition to what I am already seeking, maybe this is a way to cope and get it all out on the table. Maybe this is to inform people that I'm hurting. I honestly started having a thought in my head of "No one cares...if they cared, they would ask" well how can someone care or know if I don't tell them. So here it is, not only am I hurting and grieving...Clint is also. He hurts and longs for another child and is literally envious of those that can concieve. Our boys ask all the time "When are we going to have a baby" I wish I had an answer, I wish I could tell them why or if this will ever happen. So there it all is...as painful as it is to show our vunerability...
